Are you in an Abusive Relationship? Find out here.

Before you can fully identify and understand domestic violence, you have to have a clear view of what it really is and where you actually are in the scenario. The following test will help you see where you stand, in a general sense, in comparison to the abusive situations of many, many other victims.

Take the following test and assign the number between 1 and 5 that most closely resembles your thoughts and reactions to each given situation. 1 is the least or best, while 5 is the most or worse. Use a sliding scale in your mind to arrive at the appropriate number for your response; you can even use half numbers to be more accurate. The five suggested responses are only examples for you to use to understand the question and to help you pick your answers. Your situation may not be exactly like the examples (maybe you don't cry when scared or mad, but freeze up instead, or maybe they don't yell, but instead speak ominously and quietly), but still select the number between 1 and 5 that most closely reflects your situation as it does exist, from good to bad, in each area brought up by the questions.

Your responses to this test will show you where your relationship stacks up compared to others. If, after taking the test, you find your relationship is not in good shape, you need to start thinking about what you're going to do about it, and how. Abuse doesn't get better with time. The character of the abuse may change, but the bottom line is that if there's a lack of respect now, there will be a lack of respect later.

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1. How often is your partner mad at you or yelling at you about something, or how often do you argue?

Rarely, if ever at all
Once a month, or maybe a little more often
Once every ten days, or couple weeks
Once a week, or sometimes more
Every day, or every couple of days

2. How long does the anger at you or your arguments usually last?

An hour or two
A couple of hours, maybe half a day or night; 3 to 5 hours
Most of the day or most of the night; six hours or more
All day long and into the night; twelve hours or more
All day or night and into the next day; 18 hours plus

3. How often do you cry because of something your partner has done or said to you or to someone you care about?

Rarely, if ever at all
Once a month, or maybe a little more often
Once every ten days, or couple weeks
Once a week, or sometimes more
Every day, or every couple of days

4. After you cry, how long is it noticeable to yourself or others that you've been crying? (Eyes or face red or swollen, runny nose, etc.)

Rarely noticeable afterwards, if ever
For an hour or two afterwards
For the rest of the day
For the rest of that day, and into the next day too
All the next day and into the next morning as well

5. During the course of your arguments, does your partner call you disrespectful names (loser, bitch, slut, bastard, fuck-up, etc.)?

Never, or only rarely
Occasionally, a couple of names are called
About half the time, or for half the argument
Usually, every time for most of the argument, pretty bad names
Every time, throughout the entire argument, the worst things

6. What do you do when you are called names?

Walk away and refuse to listen or talk anymore
Demand your partner not do it anymore, threaten to leave if it continues
Say not to do it, that you won't accept it, but stay there anyway
Suck it up and accept it, cry, have your feelings hurt
Take it, hate it, but accept it as normal in your situation

7. How often is your partner "mad" about something other than you?

Rarely, if ever; generally my partner is usually very nice
Once every couple weeks or so
Once a week
Every few days
Nearly every day

8. If you refuse to argue with your partner or respond when they're mad, what do they do?

Lets it go and quits arguing
Keeps trying to argue but eventually drops it
Insists on continuing the argument, and does so
Gets madder than they were originally because you won't respond
Threatens you or actually gets violent because you refuse to engage

9. If proven wrong in argument or when mad, what does your partner do?

Accepts the truth and quits arguing, even apologizes
Gets quiet and sulks
Keeps arguing the point regardless of the truth
Continues to argue, getting madder by the minute
Tries to force you to accept the point and agree

10. If you concede the point to end the argument or the mood (even if he or she is wrong), what is done?

Gets happy and gets in a good mood, tries to be nice
Quits arguing and drops it, acts like it never happened
Quits arguing but stays in a bad mood, stays mad at you
Continues to argue just for the sake of arguing, stays mad
Keeps arguing and tries to force you to "believe" his or her point

11. If your kids are present or nearby and an argument breaks out, what does your partner do?

Stops immediately if the kids are present or if they can hear
Will argue in front of them, but only if they happen to already be there
Involves them if they're there, (questions them or asks their opinions)
Calls you names, threatens you, or gets violent in front of them
Makes them come out to see and get involved, or starts in on them

12. How often do and your kids ask each other "Is he/she mad, or is he/she in a bad mood?"
Or if you have no kids, how often do you wonder that yourself or try to find out?

Never or rarely, it's not necessary to know
Once in a while, only in special situations
When something's come up that might make him/her mad
Quite often, a few times a week
It's the first question you ask each other, or first thought you have

13. When your partner is yelling or screaming at you or you're having an argument, what do your kids say or do?

Nothing, they never really know anything's wrong, or it's minor
Stay in their rooms, purposely trying not to hear or get involved
Talk to you later, in private, they think it's wrong
Engage in a verbal altercation with your partner
Engage in a physical altercation with your partner

14. How often do you go somewhere with your friends?

Quite often, pretty much whenever and wherever you want
Once every couple of weeks or so you go somewhere
Once in awhile, on special occasions
Occasionally, only after a full explanation and with prior approval
Rarely or never, unless your partner is there with you, or nearby

15. If you do go somewhere with your friends, how does he/she act after you get back?

Happy, hopes you had a good time, glad to see you back
Indifferent, doesn't care one way or the other
A little miffed or jealous, quiet, moody, somewhat affected
Questions you suspiciously, demandingly, is skeptical of you
Obviously somewhat mad, starts an argument, won't let it go

16. Do you discuss your problems, particularly the problems you have with your partner, with a friend or family member?

Often, and in honest detail, and are able to accept their feedback
Occasionally and somewhat frankly, but don't tell them everything
Once in awhile, but minimize it, probably don't take the advice
Rarely, but gloss it over, deny it, justify it, cover it up
NEVER, you'd be too embarrassed and ashamed to admit it (or you'd be in danger if
you admitted it)

17. When your partner is yelling at you, calling you names or otherwise disrespecting you, what are you thinking about your partner deep down inside at the moment?

That it'll stop soon, it's a little disrespectful but mostly harmless
Don't like it, but because it's infrequent, you accept it this time
Mad, and know you should do something about it soon
That this is your enemy, you promise yourself to do something about it
You literally hate your partner at the moment

18. What is the farthest your partner has gone before with his/her abuse of you?

Called names, screamed, humiliated, threatened, broken items in the house
Grabbed, slapped, kicked, pushed or maybe threw something at you
Backhanded, choked, punched or hit you with something
Caused injury that required medical treatment, or left permanent damage
Tried to kill you or made you think you were going to be killed

19. Has your partner ever caused you to have a physical injury such as a bruise, a black eye, a busted lip or worse?

Never had an injury
Once or twice before
Three or four times over all
More than four or five times all together
Several times throughout the relationship

20. If one of your kids, or even one of your animals, causes a problem (makes a mess, won't mind, are defiant, etc.), how does your partner handle it?

Calmly and respectfully deals with them
Gets on them a little bit, but gets over it quickly
Gets angry, yells, calls names, insults, threatens, stays in a bad mood
Gets mad, yells or gets physical on some occasions, overreacts
Is mean, uses violence, may even hurt them

21. When you go to the store or on errands, or when you're driving home from work or somewhere else, do you . . .

Go at a leisurely pace and enjoy yourself?
Hurry a little and try to get back quickly?
Unmistakably try to hurry back and be quick?
Get nervous or sometimes even pushy in a store while trying to hurry?
Emotionally "blow a fuse" if you get delayed or held up?

22. Does your partner check your mileage, cell phone numbers, caller ID, the time you left work or arrived home, your credit card statements, or the like?

Never or rarely
Occasionally, if there's something he or she is looking for
Periodically, on general principle; it's their right
Quite often; he/she thinks you're probably doing something wrong
Almost all the time; he/she really has a problem

23. Has your partner ever tried to blackmail you or threatened to do something to cause you harm or embarrassment if you didn't do something?

Never, he/she is not unfair like that
He/She may have implied that he/she would
He/She has threatened to, has told you things he/she could do or say
Has led you to believe he/she did say or do something against you
He's/She's actually done something to endanger, shame, or embarrass you

24. Have you ever been in the car, a restaurant or at home when he or she is mad, and you and the kids, or whoever else is with you, are afraid to say anything; no one says a word, just dead silence?

Never happened, no one's afraid of him/her
Rarely, not often, and wouldn't last for long
Once or twice a month it may happen, lasts a while
Once every week or two, everyone knows what to do
Anytime he/she feels like putting it down on you or others

25. Has he/she ever locked up your things, taken your car keys or your purse/wallet, hidden something you needed, taken your cell phone, disabled your car?

Never happened
Rarely, but not that often
A few times per year or every few months
Once a month or every couple weeks
Anytime he/she wants to, it's his/her right

26. Have you ever had sex with him/her when you didn't want to?

Never have done that
A few times, but it was your "wifely"/"husbandly" duty and you were ok with it
Quite a few times, you've gotten used to it, you do it begrudgingly
A lot; you dread it, think of other things, try to watch or listen to t.v.
So much that you hate it, feel you could live without sex, resent it

27. How do your kids or employees like working with him/her (cleaning the garage/kitchen, working in the yard, working on a car, on the computer, around the house, etc.)?

They look forward to it and are happy for his/her time and attention
They somewhat enjoy it, depending on his/her mood
Don't particularly like it; only do it because they have to
Don't want to work with him/her; try to avoid it at all costs
DREAD IT - HATE IT; will refuse if they can

28. Have your kids or your friends or relatives ever told you to leave, or that you'd be better off without him/her?

Never, everybody thinks he's/she's pretty good and that I'm lucky
Never said to leave him/her, but hinted about the relationship problems
It's been mentioned, but it's not really an acceptable subject
It's been said; and more than once
They're almost demanding it, pushing you into it

29. Have you talked with him/her, or seriously thought about separating, divorcing or leaving, or have you made plans or thought about trying to get away?

Never crossed your mind, that's not an issue
Thought about it occasionally, but not really seriously
Thought about it a lot, or have even talked to him/her about it
Talk or think about it constantly, you know you need to do it
Have left or filed divorce one or more times before, or want to do it

30. How do you feel about your partner, right now, deep down inside?

Love him/her, really like him/her, think he/she is great
Love him/her, but sometimes don't really like him/her
Don't really like or love him/her; just put up with him/her, lack affection for him/her
Don't like him/her, have lost respect, wish you were separated
Literally hate him/her at times, numb the rest of time, robotic, unhappy

Answer the following questions on a scale of 1 to 5 depending on how often or how severely it occurs, how strongly you feel about it, or how bad it is. 1 is the least, 5 is the most:

Scale of 1 -5 Questions:
31. Does your partner think your opinions are always "wrong"?
1 2 3 4 5

32. Does your partner dislike your family, want you not to see them?
1 2 3 4 5

33. Does your partner insult your friends and drive them away?
1 2 3 4 5

34. Is your partner jealous and possessive? Does he/she mistrust you?
1 2 3 4 5

35. Is everything that goes wrong somehow your fault?
1 2 3 4 5

36. Does your partner get angry when he/she doesn't get his/her way?
1 2 3 4 5

37. Are you ashamed or afraid and unable to talk to others?
1 2 3 4 5

38. Does your partner blame you for things he/she does and says wrong?
1 2 3 4 5

39. Does your partner curse, mock and humiliate you?
1 2 3 4 5

40. Do you have to lie or make excuses for your partner?
1 2 3 4 5

41. Do you feel like you're walking an emotional tightrope?
1 2 3 4 5

42. Does your partner threaten or intimidate you or make you afraid?
1 2 3 4 5

43. Has your partner hurt, or threatened to hurt, you or your children?
1 2 3 4 5

44. Have you ever called the police on your partner or had him/her arrested for domestic violence?
1 2 3 4 5

45. Does your partner minimize or later justify what he/she says or does in anger?
1 2 3 4 5

46. Have you ever been absolutely afraid of your partner, even if just for a minute?
1 2 3 4 5

47. Does your partner subconsciously believe that he/she is the boss?
1 2 3 4 5

48. Does your partner use or abuse drugs or alcohol, or has he/she had any arrests for that?
1 2 3 4 5

49. Does your partner try to make you think you're stupid, no one else would want you, or you can't "make it" alone?
1 2 3 4 5

50. Have you ever wished your partner was dead, or would just somehow get killed?
1 2 3 4 5

Total :

Add up your scores and get your total number. Look at the following chart to get a rough estimate of where you stand in your relationship:

50 - 75 You're in good shape. You probably have a good relationship and don't need to make any major changes. Maybe a little touch up work, but even without it, you're doing well.

75 - 125 Your relationship is bordering on abusive and you probably need to make some changes now before it gets worse. Yours is an easy one to fix at this point, so don't waste time; do it before it becomes a problem.

125 - 175 You are in an abusive relationship. You better recognize it now and get serious about fixing it or getting out of it. Don't wait any longer or you'll be in for a really rough time trying to repair it or trying to get out of it later on.

175 - 225 You're in serious trouble in your relationship. It's going to be hard or almost impossible to repair it from this point. You can try, but you need to realize that leaving may be your only feasible option, and you should keep that foremost in your mind.

225 - 250 You're in an extreme situation. You need to get out of it now. There's not really much possibility of you being able to fix this relationship, and you could be in serious physical danger. Get away first, then think about it later.